Today I’m going to talk about something really close to my heart. Its a very raw subject for me, however i do find passion in talking about it as i believe it can help others.
(ps this is the first time i have openly spoke about my life so please excuse if i ramble on and don’t make sense)
i have a lot to talk about so i will start from the beginning.
Exactly a year ago i ran away from something that was causing me a lot of pain. Not did i realise that this was making me mentally ill. When people look at the term “mentally ill’ they automatically judge me as a lunatic. Being Mentally ill does not necessarily mean you are unstable, there are so many different illness’.
When someone causes you so much physical pain it can disappear, however the mental side never really goes away.
I was diagnosed with depression back in September 2014, i have never felt so low in myself and i didn’t know how to move on from this feeling. With a lot of help from my mum we chose believe i wasn’t depressed, i didn’t want to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life so we chose different methods of getting back to my normal self.
Luckily my mum works in that area of work so she was a lot of help to me, and i started to feel normal again. However i have always had this constant feeling of worry inside me. It came to January 2015 and i went back to see my doctor and they were impressed with how far i had come in a few months. Being a new year and all i told myself that this would be the best year of my life. I never wanted to go back to the way i was living years before that. So on that note, i started making plans to make sure i had things to focus my mind on and to look forward to!
Unfortunately mid January 2015 the feeling of worry seemed to get worse. Why am i feeling this way after getting my life back together and feeling much happier?
Anxiety.. it crept up more and more everyday and was becoming very aggressive. I couldn’t control it and it was becoming extremely hard to hide from people.
I had no go in me.. i never wanted to get up, i didn’t want to speak to anyone and i felt uncomfortable everywhere i went. At the age of 20 this is not the way you want to be feeling.
Its also hard because if you don’t suffer from anxiety it is very complicated to understand how someone is feeling. I had a short fuse and i would snap at my dad and brother all the time. i couldn’t handle anything, if people didn’t understand me i didn’t understand them. They both became very uptight with me all the time because they didn’t know how to deal with my emotions. The minute someone raised their voice at me because i was acting agitated, i just flipped, i became very defensive over myself, ran away from the situation and cried.
Its horrific way to feel. You feel so alone and scared and you don’t understand why.
I then noticed myself doing things i wouldn’t have done before. I had to stick to the same routine everyday otherwise i would panic. It wasn’t like me at all. I had to get up, go to work, come home and go straight to my room, and do all the things i told myself i would do the night before.
This drove me insane, it was impossible to stick to a certain routine without anything going wrong, and then when it did it was like the end of the world to me.
All i wanted to do was sleep.. now even that was impossible. and as you can imagine, no sleep= more panic.
I found it very hard to concentrate at work, i dreaded going as i was so anxious i would have an attack whilst there.
I worked myself up so much before i left the house that i would have an attack and then have to eventually leave for work. It was ruining everything for me.
My social life which i thought i was getting back after the years before was rare again. I always made excuses at the last minute as all i could think about was embarrassing myself and panicking.
The only place i feel comfortable in, is my bedroom. And when I’m alone. which is sad.
At this moment in time i am still suffering badly with anxiety, however over the past few weeks i have taken up a few ways of controlling it.
1. stay positive. start believing nothing bad will happen to you, and if it does you face the fear.
2. who cares what everyone else thinks? you’re only human, let them judge if thats what they want to do.
3. surround yourself with people who are willing to help you.
4. take time out. if you need time, just walk away from the problem.
5. back to basics. have a good nights sleep, get some fresh air and eat well!
6. reward yourself. stop kicking yourself for everything you do.
7. and finally… breathe.
Now to talk about My Memory jar.
What is a Memory jar?
My Memory Jar is full of memories (obviously) that my family and friends have shared with me. They have been placed into this jar and when i feel low all i have to do is reach in and read one.
I tend to read one every morning as it helps me start my day off in a positive mood!
If you have read my blog on happiness then you would have read a bit about this jar before!
here are a few examples of some memories my friends and family have put in the jar.
Now as the days go on i am starting to notice a difference in myself. I avoid thinking the worst and i seem to smile more. I will obviously still go through good and bad phases but I’m confident that i can make more and more progress everyday.
Positivity is key!